I do my best to keep myself busy everyday. Never alone in my thoughts for more than a couple hours. Tonight, I’ve been sitting here alone for the first time in maybe a year for more than 4 hours and grief has engulfed me again. I hate it. I would never wish this amount of loneliness and heart-break on anyone. I tried to read, tried to study some new training material, spent way too much time than I care to admit on social media before I had to shut it off and just accept that this is how I’m feeling; for right now.
Last week was our anniversary and it was good and bad; but not easier. I was busy with the holiday and family which was good, but I could feel the irritability and sadness of grief creep up every now and then. I did my best to keep the kids smiling and moving forward with the plans and I think I succeeded really well, better than last year anyway. I met with a new holistic helper last week who told me I need to schedule my grief because I don’t allow it to come naturally and this is so true; especially for holiday’s and anniversary’s. I will admit I haven’t kept one appointment for grief on my calendar like I had wanted. I can meet every appointment, event and practice in my calendar except grief. “Just 10 minutes everyday” she said. So easy, right? NO. I try and try and it won’t come. But tonight it has, it was forced upon me because I’m alone and I can’t even distract myself from it. I swear she was put in path for a reason. When I finally walked in to meet her and tell her my story, she reached over and with tears in her eyes told she suffered immense traumatic loss of her partner around my age. The most profound thing I had to accept was her wisdom of this type of grief, that as I grieve your loss I will also have to grieve the loss of who I was then. We had a deep conversation about this and I reflected a lot on who I was then and how I have begun to emerge as a new person; we talked about what changes in myself I have noticed:
1. I’m more sad, every day.
2. I’m kinder and in some ways more patient.
3. More emotional and tearful in any instance.
4. When I do laugh, I notice the sadness behind it and appreciate the laughter that leads it when it comes.
5. You are never not on my mind.
6. Trauma reminders make me angry and rarely sad anymore.
7. I am just as deeply upset as the ones around me that my personality has changed and evolved to something deeper and sadder.
8. I am more aware.
9. I am more capable.
10. I am wiser.
I’ve dreamt of you every night this week. The dreams have been more like subtle nightmares. I’m searching for you again, you’ve gone missing, you won’t answer your phone, no one has seen you, you just disappeared from earth with no warning, I’m angry, afraid for your safety, I file missing person reports, I try to move on. Same dream that occasionally plays on repeat. I wake up in a panic, frantic looking around for you, and struggle to fall back asleep. The hardest part is falling back asleep, I never can. I have to sleep with a T.V. on in case I wake up from a nightmare because there is nothing worse than waking up from a nightmare in complete darkness and quiet – that amount of loneliness I could never handle.
This is more than I could handle.
I love you. I miss you. I want you home