I can’t believe we have a 3rd grader, yet here we are. The first day of school he was ready, excited, and motivated. I on the other hand was nervous and on the verge of tears; also slightly angry and annoyed that you weren’t around for support for my irrational thinking of the expectations for third graders. We are almost at the end of the first week of school and I’m thinking I have a better grip at this single mom life than I did last year – in fact I know that’s true. I have less foggy-ness in my brain, I can remember important things without having to write them all down, I feel more calm and “kept together”. All-in-all I don’t feel like I’m losing my mind and I’m not always fatigued. Grief really takes a toll on you when you don’t really notice or expect it. I’m glad I’m crawling out of this. But don’t get me wrong, grief will sneak up and swallow you back in at any given chance.
I am mourning summer vacation. There were a lot of memories made without you – which I still can’t wrap my mind around. Johnathan was brave and wanted to move his birthday party back to Chuck E Cheese. The last birthday he celebrated there was with you and it was a Star Wars theme. This year he wanted the same theme in honor of the last party we celebrated with you there. It was fun and I missed you running off to play the arcade games with this kids, which always drove me nuts because I always needed help at the table setting up and greeting guests. I did my best to balance both. We ended his birthday celebration with a concert to see Imagine Dragons. We made an entire weekend of it. It was his last birthday gift from me and it was a blast. He sang along to every song he knew and did Bella. I however was not emotionally prepared for the message in this concert. I loved every moment of it and my favorite part was turning to my sister in complete tears when Dan Reynolds talked about mental health, suicide, and counseling. A message he has been spreading at every concert event that just hit close to home and I was so proud to hear that message being sent to thousands of people from young to old. Of course this happened during a song that hits very close to home – that will always remind me of you that you loved – if there was ever one imagine dragons song you ever heard it was this:
I know that there is a long road ahead of us to recovery from this grief. But it feels like we’ve come so far already. There are moments that stop us, that we have to pull over and cry. That our days are ruined because of the inconvenience of grief. It isn’t fair and it’s so wrong in so many ways. But we continue to live the life you didn’t get to finish and that will always be our new mission in life.
I love you, I miss you, and I want you home.