You would have been 40 years old today. I had thought of this day years before you died. I thought about what a big milestone 40 is; How I planned the conversation in my head on this day – probably poking fun of you as you reached such a milestone years before I would. You hated the idea of reaching closer to 40 with each passing birthday. I thought of how we would celebrate this year – I considered a surprise birthday party, a big trip somewhere, a quiet time at home – if you weren’t up to something big. I never got around to thinking about your gift before you died; I figured we’d see where we’d end up at this point. One thing is for sure, I never planned celebrating your 40th birthday without you.
Today, we will take it a little slow. Do our best to go about our day. Look at the memory book we’ve been working on throughout these years, make your favorite dinner and dessert, and spend time drinking wine and sharing memories of you online with our family. With the current state of our world we will all be together the best we can, for you. I wonder what you would be like at this age? What would you be doing? Would your interests change? I will forever and always wonder…
To celebrate on my own accord for your birthday I did something semi-privately (I only shared with very close family). I met with a psychic medium not long ago. I had put off doing any such thing for past 3 years because I felt scared – to be frank; I wasn’t ready. I would get anxiety – shaky and nervous just thinking about initiating it. The last month I couldn’t get the idea out of my head – I still felt scared, but I also felt intense excitement at the idea of possibly reaching to you. I’ve always been skeptical of mediums – but it’s good entertainment nonetheless. Finally, I impulsively picked a day within a few hours and set the appointment without giving myself an opportunity to really think twice about it. I made the appointment and put the idea out of my mind. During the next few hours when the thought would creep back into my head I quickly distracted myself to avoid the potentiality that I would back out.
On the evening of the meeting, I made sure the kids homework was done, that work was done, and that I had a brief moment to meditate before the call came in (due to coronavirus my medium would do this on a facetime call). I sat near your table in our foyer, Johnathan taking a nap nearby and Bella quietly watching a movie in my room – getting ready for bed herself, she was halfway to dreamland. My heart was pounding when I saw the unknown number demanding me to “accept” the facetime call. For a second I wanted to hit ignore and turn my phone off for the rest of the night but the excitement and hope of connecting with you took over more than I could imagine and again I made an impulsive reaction to just “hit” the green button. A friendly face came on my screen. She was about my age, pretty, and smiling with blonde hair. She introduced herself and we exchanged a brief acquaintance and hello’s. She asked about my day and how I was feeling about our conversation. I was honest. She comforted me by validating how normal my feelings were – I needed that. She gave me a few expectations, maybe even rules about how this conversation would go and what her process is like. To be honest at this point my skepticism creeped in and I was guarded; not wanting to share or give too much information that might surely give ourselves away and make the predictably of her “magic show” an advantage. But she only asked one question, “What’s your husband’s name?”
With a combination of a whisper, sadness, and pride I said your name looking down with my eyes closed. I was too afraid to stare at her now, afraid that she would see you in my soul somehow and find out all our secrets there in my eyes. I stayed this way for a brief few seconds before she took my breath away and astounded me with a feeling that I hadn’t felt since the night I found out you died. I felt my blood run cold and it seemed like all the blood in my body pooled together to fill my stomach and I couldn’t move. I was cold, breathless, lightheaded, shaky and all I could say was “mmhmmm”. She quickly acknowledged that we had two children, a boy and a girl, the boy is older and the girl is younger – she asked for my validation; I said, “mmhmm”. She said you were coming in quick and she was sort of flooded with information and she needed a moment to organize this…she was scribbling with a pen and paper as quick as she could. I giggled to myself internally, I thought to myself, “flooded with information? Wow, he was such a calm person!” This sarcasm made me relax a little, allowed my guard to come a little down because I felt like – that would be just like you. What came next was a reflection you wanted to give about our children. Bella first. Then Johnathan. She acknowledged each of them individually and your thoughts of them. By the end of this short connection on the children I was in tears…relief and grief held together by the words I so badly wanted to believe were really you.
I had many questions of course but I stayed guarded throughout the entire session. Only validating what she was saying was accurate… and all of it was. I didn’t ask anything now that I think of it, I only listened to your message (what I still hope was your message). After each message she shared, she would give me a validation that it was true and I had no choice but to confirm. Validations came in like the conversation I had with my siblings weeks ago that no one else could have possibly known about. Worries I have felt internally and fought silently alone that I haven’t shared with anyone – not even out loud to myself. She gave me some clairvoyance and left me with hope. I shared with close family soon after. I shared what you wanted shared. I saw the hope and conviction in my family too. I went to bed emotionless, confused, hopeful still…exhausted. I dreamed wild, I dreamed freely, I dreamed happy – which I haven’t done in these years either. I woke up feeling a little different and took me a few days to notice what this difference could be. But then I realized it was more complete. Grief was. Grief wasn’t lingering as deeply as it always had, I felt lighter, more clear. That grief fog that everyone talks about was lifted (even if just enough to see a horizon). Which is ironic because I haven’t seen the sun clearly in days due to our over-casted cold-front. Color seems a bit brighter. Emotions less intense. Breathing easier. I’m still not 100% convinced as my skepticism lingers. But the validation secured my belief a little more. I did research (of course I did) on psychic abilities. I dug into literature from government funded studies, university and grant funded studies about psychic abilities and hit or miss one thing consistent I saw was – when proven true, psychic abilities all measured in the same wave length – alpha brain waves that are typical in meditative or almost sleep-like states in psychics when demonstrating their abilities. In measuring their predictions – most reports declared them to be true when they did occur. Many psychologists vouched for their abilities and backed up their support by including many other “unknown” activities our brain can do.
Before we hung up, I wiped my tears, blew my nose, laughed and said, “This was insane! Thank you!” I asked if I could meet with her again. I needed time to process all this, share his message with those he intended, and decide if I had any questions. Since then, questions have been coming to my mind. I have written them down – some I decided to keep in my mind and wait a few years as I’m too scared to know those truths. I plan to meet with her in a month or so – once I feel settled in this experience. I can’t describe or even share the messages and connection that occurred because it is too private. It was like a conversation we would have in our bedroom alone. Awareness that only you and I would care to know. Belief and facts that a husband and wife explore in their relationship. It felt real, I felt connected and I felt relieved and that was what I was seeking.
Happy birthday to you. I’m glad that if even for just pretend, I may have been able to spend a little time with you this month.
I love you, I miss you – Thank you for the visits, thank you for the awareness, thank you for all the times you let me know you’re still around.